It’s as hard and time-consuming and soul-flattening as expected. Separating our stuff; packing hers; daily encountering the now vacant spaces all around me that were once crowded by her presence and influence. Logically, I’d expected to face fewer painful memories by removing the things around me that elicited those memories. That maybe by cutting out the physical reminders, I’d have a chance at moving on.
I had no idea the shadows would be worse. The places now where she isn’t, where her stuff isn’t, where her presence isn’t, those places are now somehow alive with memories where previously there simply sat inanimate objects that represented her. With those removed, it’s like the memories suddenly have room to breathe and move. Everywhere I turn I am haunted by the empty, the lack, the absence. The nothing.
To expunge is vital. Eliminate. Erase. To treat as though it never happened. Deep-six.
As much as that’s what’s needed under the circumstances, it’s impossible to carry out from a practicality standpoint. At least for the time-being. I mean, how do you carry on as though someone never happened to you when she’s still paying some of your bills, and when her army family readiness group can’t manage to remove your email address from their mailing list despite having been asked several times? Reading the excitement and anticipation of all those other family members who get to be thrilled now that the half-way point has come and gone, now that it’s even close enough to start counting down the weeks until they’re home…it’s just cruel. I thought I had earned that celebration too, and it would be more tolerable to swallow that I’m no longer part of that if I didn’t keep getting weekly status updates.
No. That’s a lie. It would never be more tolerable to swallow.
It’s kinda like when you’re in high school and everyone is talking about how great the party will be that you’re not invited to. It’s just hateful.
But we’re still too entangled which is what I’m working on solving.
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